Monday, January 24, 2011

Holiday letter - 2004

Holiday Christmas Wishes 3 -- 2004
From the desk of
Henry J. Rifle

Dearest chums,

Well, well, well. So another year has passed us by. And as the corpse of the year 2004 begins to decompose and stiffen with rigor mortis, I think all we can do is cut off its clothes, lay it out on the table, examine the skid marks and try to figure out where things went so horribly wrong. Or perhaps it’s best simply to dump the whole mess in the cosmic hamper of time and pray that someone somewhere can somehow make it clean.

But…enough looking back. I come not to bury Caesar. He died a very long time ago, and if he’s not buried by now, man, he has GOT to be some kind of funky! Still, he did invent the wheel and the toga party and was one half of the pioneering comedy team Caesar and Brutus, and for that he should be recalled and recalled fondly.

Which reminds me; the most overused word in the English language today has to be ‘pioneer.’ I’ve got a news flash for you: I don’t care what you did, unless you own a covered wagon, you’re not a f------ pioneer! Let’s be real clear about that. And why would you want to be? The pioneers, for the most part, were insane -- bloodthirsty pilgrims driven mad by the prospect of gold and cheap liquor. But this isn’t Thanksgiving we’re talking about. It’s the Holiday season; eggnog, tinsel, jelly beans and fa la la la.

With that in mind, all I can say is I truly wish us well, all of us. Life…life is a terrifying thing. So for just a few days, at least, can’t we try to enjoy it together? Can’t we let our guards down and be open even slightly to the prospect of a brighter tomorrow? For all of our sakes, I hope so. Remember, the world isn’t driven by courage nearly so much as it’s held back by fear. And keep in mind, the heart doesn’t come with a kickstand. In these next few weeks and throughout the coming year I encourage all of us to release the parking brake on our souls. I say, let’s get these nasty pigs out on the open road and see what they can do! ARIBA,ARIBA!!  

All the best to you and yours,   

Sincerely,

Henry J. Rifle

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Holiday letter - 2003

Holiday Christmas Wishes -- 2003
From the desk of
Henry J. Rifle

Greetings, Most Precious of Chums,
Well…it’s that time of year again when the chronological stew we’re all simmering in boils over with goodness and we remove our heads from our butts just long enough to do some power shopping, guzzle some eggnog and whistle a few Holiday tunes.

A-hem! My rampant cynicism aside, it is a very special time of year and I’m truly glad we’re all here to share in it together. After all, and I think this goes without saying, it’s an uncertain world we’re surfing on, truly anything goes, and sometimes the road cheats the wheels, and….well, I think you may or may not know what I’m saying. The important thing to keep in mind, of course, is things could be a whole lot worse.
All that aside, this is also the time of year when we as a people have to ask ourselves, ‘Where are we going?’

Why, just the other day as I was getting on the bus, the bus driver asked me, ‘Where are you going?’ His question pierced my soul. I had to stop and really think. After about a minute, the other passengers began pelting me with fruit and other debris. The bus driver himself then told me I ‘better sit my ass down’ or he was going to ‘tear me a new one.’ So I took my seat and tried not to look at the other riders who hated me so. But the question hung over them, the same as it hung over me – the same as it hangs over you, my friends. Where are we going?

I’ll tell you where we’re going: The future. It’s our only hope. We have to drop everything right now and make a break for it like there’s no tomorrow. There’s not a moment to spare -- and here’s why: I think even the most jaded cynic would admit somewhere in the future things will all make sense. Everything will work just as it’s supposed to work, and freedom and justice – and truth – will once again reign supreme. I say why wait? The sooner we get going, the sooner we’ll get there.

If you remember just one thing this Holiday Season, remember this: only by focusing on tomorrow can we hope to forget about today.

All the best to you and yours,

Henry J. Rifle










Friday, January 21, 2011

an old holiday letter, circa 2002

Holiday Christmas Wishes -- 2002
From the desk of
Henry J. Rifle

Dearest chums,

First of all, I’m only sending out a handful of these sweet babies, because, frankly, I don't have the time. I have a very finite amount of patience and once that’s gone, you can just cancel Christmas, Virginia! Besides, if I was going to send out an email to every fella I ever threw down a shot of rye with or every dame I ever smooched, I'd be here until doomsday. So if anyone comes around and starts whining and moaning and says, “How come that no-good s.o.b. Henry Rifle didn’t send ME a Christmas card?” tell ‘em to piss off, direct from me, would you?

Now, then…as you may or may not have noticed, these are very uncertain times we’re living in – VERY uncertain. One minute, you’re on top of the world…the next, the world has you upside-down by the ankles and is giving you the swirly of your life! These are hard times we’re living through and, as I’ve said all along, it’s a junkyard planet we’re spinning on – not to mention a big ball of mud. Stick around long enough and you’re sure to get dirty.

All that aside, this is the Yule season and we must try and be happy no matter how impossible that may be. What with the economy and rising gas prices, who knows what’s going to happen next? And for God’s sake, who’s going to save the whales? This is exactly the kind of stuff I’m talking about. Frankly, I’m beginning to wonder if anyone has ever said anything. And if they did, who was listening?! Not me, that’s for certain.

So once again I must implore you to enjoy this festive Holiday Season! What do you have to lose? We all know there's no Santa Claus. That doesn't mean he's a bad guy per se, but would you trust him with your kids? Exactly.

In closing, please rest assured that, if nothing else – if nothing else at all   I shall remain your friend from today forward, until the sun belches its last gasp of cosmic fury into this morning breath solar system we call home.

All the best to you and yours,   

Sincerely,

Henry J. Rifle

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I blew it

So there's a poem in my new book (lots of them actually) and it's called 'Algebraic Expression'. That's the sucko title I gave it. In the time since my little book went to press, I realized the title should have been...well, first, I'll hit you with the poem (bear with me, it's short):

Love's the answer,
stuff's the clues
and we're
the mysteries.

So as I was saying, the title should have been (and should be) 'Reverse Engineering'. That's a lot better, right? Plus, all my engineering friends might have thought I was smart (for a change). God, it was there. It was right there. All I had to do was square my shoulders and leap over the pile for an easy touchdown. Instead, I settled for a field goal. (sigh).

How was your day?