Friday, January 21, 2011

an old holiday letter, circa 2002

Holiday Christmas Wishes -- 2002
From the desk of
Henry J. Rifle

Dearest chums,

First of all, I’m only sending out a handful of these sweet babies, because, frankly, I don't have the time. I have a very finite amount of patience and once that’s gone, you can just cancel Christmas, Virginia! Besides, if I was going to send out an email to every fella I ever threw down a shot of rye with or every dame I ever smooched, I'd be here until doomsday. So if anyone comes around and starts whining and moaning and says, “How come that no-good s.o.b. Henry Rifle didn’t send ME a Christmas card?” tell ‘em to piss off, direct from me, would you?

Now, then…as you may or may not have noticed, these are very uncertain times we’re living in – VERY uncertain. One minute, you’re on top of the world…the next, the world has you upside-down by the ankles and is giving you the swirly of your life! These are hard times we’re living through and, as I’ve said all along, it’s a junkyard planet we’re spinning on – not to mention a big ball of mud. Stick around long enough and you’re sure to get dirty.

All that aside, this is the Yule season and we must try and be happy no matter how impossible that may be. What with the economy and rising gas prices, who knows what’s going to happen next? And for God’s sake, who’s going to save the whales? This is exactly the kind of stuff I’m talking about. Frankly, I’m beginning to wonder if anyone has ever said anything. And if they did, who was listening?! Not me, that’s for certain.

So once again I must implore you to enjoy this festive Holiday Season! What do you have to lose? We all know there's no Santa Claus. That doesn't mean he's a bad guy per se, but would you trust him with your kids? Exactly.

In closing, please rest assured that, if nothing else – if nothing else at all   I shall remain your friend from today forward, until the sun belches its last gasp of cosmic fury into this morning breath solar system we call home.

All the best to you and yours,   


Henry J. Rifle

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